The Thrifty Knitter

I just went into Barnes and Noble and faced my book out. I wasn’t going to, but the lady standing next to me egged me on. Honestly, it was all I could do not to grab all the people and scream “Look! It’s my book! Buy my book! Buy my book!” The only thing stopped me was my funny outfit. I was wearing pajamas a slippers (the day kind of got away from me, and suddenly, it was time for my FedEx run) and a parka and no makeup, and it seemed an unsuitable getup for such a glamorous book.

They have exactly 1 copy in the store. You know I’m going to go back tomorrow and see if anyone bought it.

It goes on sale today! I’m going to have to stop by Barnes & Noble when I make a shipping run tonight so I can take a picture of it. Yay! And as soon as I’m done with my calendars, I’ll be adding piles of outtake photos and several free bonus patterns and variations to naughtyneedlesknitting.com.

You can buy Naughty Needles at Amazon (at a nice discount), or buy it directly from me (at the $19.95 cover price + $5 shipping) and I’ll sign it & throw in a cute little 4″x5″ year-at-a-glance calendar magnet. (If you want a name or special message in the dedication, note it in “Special Instructions” at checkout.

I haven’t even touched any of my book stuff because I’ve been so busy with my annual datebook. 2007 is the Year of the Oddball. Every one has a different cover from old romance magazine scrap. Here’s the first giant roll of scraps Lisa and I cut out last week for my datebook covers.

Going through all those magazines was really fun, and a little creepy.

On top of the cover images, I also cut out hundreds and hundreds of little pictures and ads and made little sheets of stickers for all the calendars. They’re just fabulous! Incredibly time-consuming, but fabulous. Once I got started with the Xyron, I just couldn’t stop.

Here are some of the books that have already shipped:

Every year, I mean to number them, and every year, I forget. Probably because I’m always wrapping up at the last second. The first 60 went out today and yesterday, and the rest of the orders will ship Wednesday, when my remaining wire arrives. I only printed 200 this year, but if they’re still selling pretty vigorously toward the end of that, I might do a second run. Or maybe I’ll just call it for the year, depending on whether the luster of stripmining old magazines wears off.

I actually feel great about stripmining the old magazines. It seems so stingy having all the great ads and picutres stuck in a cupboard somewhere, so I was happy to free them. And with the little sheets of stickers, I’m using the whole buffalo.

Yee! Had to add a picture of a champagne-soaked bride-to-be wearing her crown poolside.

Now that’s a bachelorette party: the bride drunk, saucy, and foolishly attired.

She took it off a minute later, but in her defense, a sequined tulle crown is as scratchy as it is gaudy.

I’ll have to sneak some velvet lining into the inside if I’m going to trick her into wearing it at the next bachelorette party…

A few days ago, I made the mistake of googling “Katamari earmuffs” to see where they ended up and I was horrified to learn that several people said I look like a man! A man! I wasn’t prepared for that. Fat, frumpy, haggard, retarded, stupid, sure. But mannish? I’m not mannish! Am I? I’m a girl! A girlie girl! Right? Well, apparently not.

Of course, lots and lots of people said nice things, but geez, some of you gaming nerds have a real mean streak. I wish all the nasty people had their pictures posted so I could make fun of them. Crafty nerds are so much more friendly. (I also got “Enya after Prozac on a bad hair day,” which I mostly find troubling because, geeze, I guess I look older than I thought.)

Enough fishing for reassurance that I’m a really a girl.

(Okay, not quite enough. Honestly, I know I shouldn’t dwell on this, but the unexpected insults are so flabbergasting. I had no idea mannish even was a potential insult for me. I’m way more confused than hurt, but still–really? Manly? I’m embarrassed to say fear of looking like a linebacker made me photograph my latest sweater flat and I *hate* flat sweater photos. But I think once I block it and it’s not so hella clingly, I’ll feel less self conscious. But I’ll definitely put on a pushup bra and some lipstick.)

I’m making this for my mom for Christmas. I’m using an almost-black superdark charcoal Berkshire Bulky, I’m only about 4″ in, but I kinda love it already. I think I might make myself one, too. Maybe I’ll get lucky and only use 3 skeins (I have 6 altogether), and then my mom and I can get a creepy mother-daughter portrait. Ooooh, really that sounds fantastic! Maybe all Gorey-style, with creepy dark circles and pasty makeup? Best mother-daughter portrait ever! If only my dad would play along… I can’t see him letting me make him up with goulish makeup… That’s not how he rolls.

Holy crap. I just realized I had 3 weeks of comments waiting for approval. I turned off my email notification when I went out of town & forgot to turn it back on. I’d better check the Housewife, too.

Apparently I can’t get enough of Alterknits. No, really. I can’t. I like it a good deal. I also want to make the knitted porch screen, and I’ll definitely be making more of the rugs. I’ve already got a big bag of clean, ready-to-dye discarded Ts in the laundry room.

So here I am playing bride, because I couldn’t get the real bride to go for the silly crown.

I made this crown for my girl Rebecca’s bachelorette weekend in Miami. She wouldn’t wear it, but I’m still holding out hope she’ll wear it at her bachelorette party in Austin (the wedding’s still 6 months away; surely she’ll need another party first). After all, what’s the point of a bachelorette party if the bride-to-be doesn’t end the night drunk, remorseful, and with smeared mascara and a tattered toy veil?

Rebecca doesn’t see it my way. Yet.

I made it out of tulle stripes carried with a strand of Berroco something-or-other–Laser FX? One of the sequin FXs, although Berocco cancels yarns every 15 minutes, so…

I made 2 layers & seamed them together to combat the curl & give it more body, then shoved a bunch of irregular lengths/thickenesses of tulle through the stitching on the back to make the veil. Also wove ribbons through the back stitches to form ties to close it.

I actually think it’s really cute, and I would have been proud to wear it slamming shooters in a dive bar, but Rebecca’s fancier than me, and like so look classy when she makes a spectacle of herself. Hee hee. By the way, right after I modeled this, Rebecca climbed into bed, drunk-dialed everyone she knew, including her fiance, about propositing John Taylor (of Duran Duran–they had a photo shoot at our hotel), fell asleep for a few mintues, then had to apply makeup with one eye open, with me fixing the foundation that she smeared into her hair. But somehow she managed to pull it together and appear almost dignified by the time we left the hotel. She’s a trooper.

Today I finished Rebecca’s Christmas present, a slightly-modified cashmerino single cable scarf from One Skein (oh, look, Leigh Radford again–she’s my new girlfriend). It’s scrumpy. I’ll post it as soon as it’s blocked. (Rebecca doesn’t go in for all this crafty crap, so there’s no risk she’ll read about her present.) I also finished the sweater variation of the Bondage Onsie (Naughty Needles outtake), which I’ll be posting tomorrow if I can TCB and if I can make myself not look so fucking fat. (I made the pretend Nikol size, my 2004 weight, instead of my current size. Hopefully it will be my future size as well.) Lately I can’t seem to check anything off my list… Except, you know, stuffing my face with chili dogs and french fries…

(And you wonder why your ass is so big.)

Firnished my NaKniSweMo sweater November 29! I’m backdating this because I neglected to post it at the time. I’ll be putting the pattern on naughtyneedlesknitting.com in the next week or so…

Right side-out and inside-out (I like them both ways). It’s superclingy and I’m feeling fat, but I’m blockin in a little stretch (which is good, because it pops the ribs), so I’ll model them later. I foolishly photographed them with the sleeves obscuring the shaping, which is done by gradually decreasing the ribs from K3 to K2 and back again. You can sort of make out the subtle corset-like outline where the shaping occrus in the first picture.

This is the no-sinister-bondage-hood variation of the Hooded Bondage Onsie, which wouldn’t fit into Naughty Needles. The original is Blue Sky Alpacas Cotton; this is Berkshire in Wine.

It’s skin-tight, hence the name, which is also one of may favorite booby slangs.

Note: You can buy Shojo Beat at Barnes & Noble–or get the patterns at ShojoBeat.com!Both versions are in economical Knit Picks Merino Style–you’ll spend about $10 including stuffing for the Queen, and about $12 including stuffing for the Prince (with enough leftovers for socks, whee!).

You can get the patterns for both earmuff versions here (at ShojoBeat.com). This is missing from the pattern pdf: Heart and Dot Template for Katamari Queen earmuffs.

Note: you’ll really need to Tetris these on your swatch. Print out or trace two hearts & 6 dots on paper and lay them out before you start cutting.

This was my first job writing crafty for Shojo Beat magazine: Katamari Damacy Queen of All Cosmos earmuffs! The pattern is featured in the December issue, which goes on sale any second now.

Aren’t they freaking adorable? Besides being very cute and silly, they also have a secret compartment:

Anyway, I’m allowed to go on and on about how cute they are and maintain my modesty because they weren’t my idea, just my translation. Laurenn McCubbin’s actually the smarty behind seeing the Queen of All Cosmos as earmuffs (although I do claim the secret compartment; I’m a natural sneak).

And here’s the Prince of all Cosmos variation, which will be on the Shojo Beat website. I think you need the magazine pattern for the variation to make sense. They’re modeled by Kelly Sue in her yummy pink office.

If you knit, get the pattern in the magazine. If you don’t, I can knit-to-order custom muffs for $120 for either of these versions or $100 for chunky yarn versions.