Casting on with my new colors + Burn Test

Often when I run across a mystery fiber I can make a pretty good guess by touch, sight or smell, but every once in a while I’m flummoxed, and then I look up the burn test details. It won’t tell you if you’ve got BFL or Corriedale, but it can tell you whether you’re dealing with animal, cellulose or synthetic. With the growing variety of both natural and synthetic man-made fibers, that can be handy.

The chief differences are how it burns (does it melt, burn actively, or self-extinguish), the type of ash or residue it produces, and the smell it generates. I found this video that gives you both written descriptions and a nice shot of each burning. Hopefully it will aid in your fiber detection!

And my superdeluxe Valley Yarns Sheffield came today for the Sally Cardigan Knitalong! It’s so, so, pretty. Dark brown is one of my usual colors, but purple is pretty well out of my wheel house. But I love them together! Since brown’s more in my comfort range, it’s going to be my MC. I’m expecting a very different look than the retro original! I’m gonna go get myself some caffeine and cast that baby on!

Sally KAL colors

Sally Cardigan Knitalong coming next week, yippee!

Craftzine’s running a Sally Cardigan KAL during April & May! Yippee! I’ll be knitting another Sally, and posting a different step each week, so if you like Sally but want some guidance (especially around the steek, which seems to be nervous-making for everyone), please join us! I set up a ravelry group and I’ll make a flickr group tonight. My first post, about yarn ideas & substitutions, is going up on craftzine blog tonight or tomorrow.

I wish I wasn't wearing my gardening hat in all these pictures

Please ignore my stupid gardening hat. I was having hair issues and am now filled with remorse about grabbing the stupid thing. But cute sweater, no?

Now I just need to figure out:

1) What colors I want to use and

2) Whether I want to make an allover pattern or a sort of Nordic-y patterened yoke-and-cuffs only version.

Allover pattern is in the lead right this minute, but I’m giving myself until tomorrow to decide.

I don’t have enough of 2 colors to knit from stash, and I LOVE LOVE LOVED the Sheffield, so I’m definitely using it again, but which color is another question.

At present  the Kiwi/Olive color combo is duking it out my my head with Brown/Purple. I’ll let that simmer as well.

I’ve been quite productive lately, but I’m still behind. This afternoon, I realized I’d spaced out and neglected to pay an embarrassingly overdue bill. I’m hoping that idiotic mistake won’t leave me without hot water. I don’t mind the excuse not to shower, but I have dishes to do, puddy-tat.

Anyway, this made me realize 2 things:

1) I can’t say Yes to anything else this month. I foolishly sneaked in a couple more Yeses at the end of March, and I know they’re going to make me pay.

and

2) I NEED A LIST! Specifically, I need a giant, crushing master list I like to call NAKED FISTFIGHT OVER HOT COALS, MOTHERFUCKER! Yes, that is actually what I call it when I make my giant crazy desperate list.

So, right after this, I am going to:

1) Get myself a cold beer

1.5) (See how I’m getting into the list-making spirit already?)

2) Get a pen and a clipboard

and

3) Walk the entire building and write down every single little thing that needs to be done.

Tomorrow, I’ll do the same outside and next door, but I’m sure my hand will cramp into an eagle talon just doing that part.

And then? Then hold on to your fucking hat, because then I’m going to get down to TCB all over this place. It’s going to be a Highlander-style fight to the death with my To Do list. And I shall prevail.

Now where’s that beer?

FREE BUFFET: Sally Cardigan on Craftzine!

This is my new favorite sweater,so I’m so pleased to announce: Sally’s up on Craftzine! ? Sally on ravelry

Sally Cardigan on Craftzine.com

A Nostalgic Honeycomb Sweater, inspired by Mad Men’s Sally Draper.

Mosaic/slipped-stitch knitting (=easy! Worked in stripes, one color at a time, not stranded colorwork). With 3/4 sleeves, crocheted buttonholes. Worked in the round with steeked front, with detailed photo tutorial of the crocheted steek and buttonhole placket.

Sizes XS – XL, with guidance on making custom fit/larger sizes.

Sally Cardigan on Craftzine.com

Sally Cardigan on Craftzine.com

Sally Cardigan on Craftzine.com

I like my little vintage buttons, but I think it would have been even cuter with those little hand-painted Russian strawberry buttons from Peace Fleece, but I only had one card (4 buttons) in the shop and couldn’t wait. The great thing about the crocheted buttonholes is that if you change your mind later and want bigger/smaller buttonholes, you only have to frog and re-crochet one single line of slip stitch. I’ve been wanting to use this buttonhole again ever since I created it for one of the Naughty Needles Burlesque cardigans (which I accidentally threw in with a hot wash load and felted badly last year), and I think they’re just the right amount of adorable on this sweater.

Did I mention I love this sweater?

Sally Cardigan on Craftzine.com

Sally Cardigan on Craftzine.com

Before steeking! There’s a step-by-step photo tutorial on the crochet-reinforced steek with the pattern, but here’s the fun part:

Sally Cardigan on Craftzine.com

Sally Cardigan on Craftzine.com

Now I’m trying to finish up a new Knitty submission and a gazillion worky/taxy/money-y and Yarn School prep details. Busy, busy! But I’m suddenly feeling energized by it instead of melancholy. After a little flirtation with spring, we had the usual bummer return of winter with a big PSYCHE, SUCKERS! snow last Sunday. It’s been cold and damp since, which made me a little depressed for a few days. But then I realized it will help me focus on TCB instead of longing for the garden. It also helps me want to spend time in the basement (where it’s warm), testing new recipes and stocking my freezer so I won’t have to cook (or eat nothing but takeout pizza) the week before Yarn School.

And! Shearing’s on the calendar for April 20. This year, I’ll be sure to take up their hay the night before to minimize wiggles/shearing mishaps. Last year, Marilyn (Danny the shearer’s wife, an experienced spinner and fiber grower) helped me skirt as we sheared. But I am a big sissy titty baby that it kinda really stressed me out, so this year, we’re tossing all the belly and legs into the mulch pile, and spreading each fleece onto a sheet, folding it up, and putting it aside for later. I know I’ll be tempted to fuss with them right away, but I’m officially vowing to wait until after Yarn School. Actually, that’s even better because we can unfurl them at Yarn School & Jen can show how to skirt a fleece. It’s always way more fun with a nice fresh one. And I think I may get everyone made into yarn this year! I really love the beautiful yarn they make.

Knitting Master List

Had to update the old list again! Got in a couple new techniques at MO Fiber retreat!

Afghan/Blanket
I-cord
Garter stitch

Knitting with metal wire
Shawl
Stockinette stitch
Socks: top-down
Socks: toe-up
Knitting with camel yarn
Mittens: Cuff-up

Mittens: Tip-down
Hat
Knitting with silk

Moebius band knitting
Participating in a KAL
Sweater
Drop stitch patterns
Knitting with recycled/secondhand yarn
Slip stitch patterns

Knitting with banana fiber yarn
Domino knitting (modular knitting)
Twisted stitch patterns
Knitting with bamboo yarn
Two end knitting
Charity knitting
Knitting with soy yarn
Cardigan
Toy/doll clothing

Knitting with circular needles
Knitting with your own handspun yarn

Slippers
Graffiti knitting (knitting items on, or to be left on the street)
Continental Knitting
Designing knitted garments…im doing it now! or trying anyways
Cable stitch patterns
Lace patterns…hmm i think so!
Publishing a knitting book

Scarf
American/English knitting
Knitting to make money
Button holes
Knitting with alpaca
Fair Isle knitting

Norwegian knitting
Dying with plant colors
Knitting items for a wedding
Household items (dishcloths, washcloths, tea cozies…)
Knitting socks (or other small tubular items) on two circulars

Olympic knitting
Knitting with someone else’s handspun yarn
Knitting with DPNs
Holiday related knitting

Teaching a male how to knit
Bobbles
Knitting for a living
(sort of…)
Knitting with cotton
Knitting smocking
Dying yarn
Steeks
Knitting art
Fulling/felting
Knitting with wool

Textured knitting
Kitchener BO
Purses/bags

Knitting with beads
Swatching
Long Tail CO

Entrelac
Knitting and purling backwards
Machine knitting
Knitting with self-patterning/self-striping/variegating yarn
Stuffed toys
Baby items

Knitting with cashmere
Darning
Jewelry
Knitting with synthetic yarn
Writing a pattern
Gloves
Intarsia

Knitting with linen
Knitting for preemies
Tubular CO
Freeform knitting
Short rows
Cuffs/fingerless mitts/arm warmers
Pillows

Knitting a pattern from an online knitting magazine
Rug
Knitting on a loom
Thrummed knitting
Knitting a gift
Knitting for pets
Shrug/bolero/poncho
Knitting with dog/cat hair
Hair accessories
Knitting in public

Love is in the air

I want to marry my new sweater.

Sneak peek of Sally Cardigan, coming soon to Craftzine!

The free pattern will go live on Craftzine late this week or early next, so you only get a little peek right now.

More than I can chew

In other knitting, I just unraveled the first sleeve of Kid’s Superman sweater and learned that the happy fun knitting adventure I’d planned won’t be materializing. I had assumed I’d be able to spit-splice the broken yarn from the ragged sleeves and just knit them straight down. Then I’d just darn the main body. But it turns out the wool won’t split splice. I don’t know if it was superwash, or if it’s been damaged by dry cleaning (it kind of has that crunchy dry cleaned feel), but in hindsight I should have realized the stitch definition was too clear and the pits were too pill-free for regular wool.

But as usual, I dived in without actually thinking it through.

I should still be able to pull it off, but there will be much heinous end-weaving. Gross.

Around Cupcake Ranch, one unlucky lady has a particularly unfortunate hairdo right now.
Faith's unfortunate mullet

Poor Faith already has kind of a wild, hawkish look to her that makes her the stringy misfit of the flock. And her new molt-driven mullet is not helping matters. She’s rocking sort of a bearded lady look. No wonder she’s so mean.

Fiber retreat fun!

Okay, I forgot my stupid memory card, so I couldn’t take any pictures, but the Missouri Fiber Retreat was super fun! Marta, Jen & I all took different classes, which was awesome, because I got a sense of what I might like to take next year. Definitely basket making, which didn’t appeal to me at all before I saw Jen’s basket.

Anyway, here’s my wrap-up:

Friday afternoon, I took the indigo dyeing class with Bex Olinger. She had 3 different kettles going for the class: one indigo thiox/lye vat, one woad thiox/lye vat, and one saxon (indigo/sulfuric acid) bath. We learned how to dip/oxidize fiber in the thiox/lye vats, how to mix stock solutions, how to balance the vats, and lots of wonderful historical & cultural information about indigo. It was most excellent!

The really cool thing about the thiox/lye vats, which are pretty much the more modern version of the traditional indigo vats (but made with checmicals instead of pee), is that you have to soak the fiber and then expose it to air to activate the blue color. The bath itself is green, and you have to be careful not to aerate it. When you first pull the fiber out, it’s green as well, but as soon as the oxygen starts to hit it, it turns blue before your eyes! It’s really fun to watch, and it happens each time. The whole process is not for the impatient though, as dark colors can take dozens of dips to achieve, and you have to balance your vat (both in pH and chemicals), or you can actually end up removing the color from your fiber! We had this happen toward the end with the woad vat.

The first vat was woad, which comes from the cabbage family and can be grown locally (though you need a special exemption and have to take precautions because it’s considered a noxious weed).

Missouri Fiber Retreat 2011: Indigo Dyeing Class

The samples show 3, 4 and 5 dips (from right to left). The top skein is from the dyed corriedale combed top, which has been spun & plied (so gradations are gone); followed by wool yarn, cotton muslin, and raw silk.

The next vat was indigo:

Missouri Fiber Retreat 2011: Indigo Dyeing Class

Again, 3, 4 and 5 dips of the same samples.

The last pot was a saxon blue vat, which uses indigo and sulfuric acid. Unlike the other vats, this one doesn’t require oxidation and makes brilliant blues. The wool turned a gorgeous peacock blue.

Missouri Fiber Retreat 2011: Indigo Dyeing Class

The top samples were wool, the first one was combed top that was spun so the colors blend. The other three samples show saxon blue dyed over samples dyed rich yellow with Osage orange, while the right samples were dyed on natural ecru colored fabric. Wool yarn, cotton muslin, and raw silk on the bottom.

Missouri Fiber Retreat 2011: Indigo Dyeing Class

Missouri Fiber Retreat 2011: Indigo Dyeing Class

My personal project for the class was Shetland wool lace in a pale heather gray. First I soaked it all in woad, removed to oxidize, dipped about a third in indigo, oxidized. Then I rewet the whole skein to get a soft, watery transition and dipped it to about the 2/3 point in saxon, then immediately pulled it out about halfway, then pulled out another 3 inches ever 10 minutes. I’m really happy with the result!

Saturday evening, Bonnie Ahrens gave an excellent keynote speech on felting and her inspirations and travels.

Saturday morning, I took an entrelac class with Tamara Lasely. Entrelac in the round isn’t overly difficult, but it is complicated and physically challenging, since you have to knit backwards and, even harder, pick up backwards. I don’t know that it’s a technique I’ll use much, but I’m glad to know how to do it, both because it’s one more thing to check off on my knitting master list, and because I think it would have been very difficult to learn on my own, and Tamara was a great teacher. I never thought I’d like any entrelac clothing, but Tamara had on this amazing single color lace entrelac skirt that was fantastic.

Missouri Fiber Retreat 2011: Entrelac class

We made a 2-color sampler bowl. Since I’m an over-achiever, I worked in a couple extra rows of entrelac to make more of a vase shape, and after I felted it, I cut a slit for the handle of my little Bee House teapot, which wanted a cozy.

Saturday afternoon I took the soap making class with Gary Olds. It was fantastically informative and interesting, and I’m really glad I got to see exactly what the different phases looked like. The best part of the class was the math, if you can believe it. He explained the why and how of formulations and showed us how to figure out the correct formulas with the fats we have, and how different fats contribute different properties. If I had seen the same information in a book, I would have given up before starting, but now it’s crystal clear and seems perfectly easy.

I stuck to my resolution not to start any new hobbies this year by NOT buying the nice wooden molds he had on offer. But I do think I’m going to make a single batch at home with what I have on hand. Since I already have all of necessary tools and all the ingredients but lye, and since I really want to make a batch to cement the process in my mind, and since the point of the resolution was to stop me from buying up a ton of gear and falling into the money and time suck new hobbies generate, I think I’m spiritually safe from breaking the resolution if I stick to a single batch using only what I have on hand. (Wow, that was one hell of a sentence.) I’ll use either juice cartons or a clementine box lined with foam core for my mold, and I’ll render this giant bag of beef fat I have in the freezer for my fat.

Sunday morning was felt boots with Joi Chupp. I went a little bananas and made them really gaudy, for which I’m feeling a fair amount of remorse, but the good news is that it’s exactly what I wanted: thick, hard felt boots, much like my valenki. We started with a flat linoleum resist that we made ourselves to felt the basic shape, and when it’s well felted, you cut it off the resist and continue to felt it on and off your foot until it’s the desired shape and fit. I’ll definitely buy some linoleum scraps and demo the resist technique (which also works for mittens, bags, hats, etc.) at the next Felt School.

Missouri Fiber Retreat 2011: Felt Boots class

Missouri Fiber Retreat 2011: Felt Boots class

I made them a good deal thicker than most of the class (since I was the only one to use up my full half pound of wool, plus some extra I bought during class), and I also made my template extra large to begin, because I knew I wanted thick boots. I might try again when it warms up and I can work on them outside in the sunshine. But they came out nice and thick, not quite as heavy as my valenki, but the same method would totally work to make them–I’d just need to start with a somewhat bigger resist and several more layers of wool.

In class, we used white merino blend batts–I pulled mine into large, thin layers like a silk hankie–then I made the final layer from bits of pink batting I bought from Bonnie Ahrens’ booth. Next time, I’ll use colored wool throughout, in different colors so I can keep track of the layers and have a nice color sandwich when I cut them off the resist. Maybe woodsy greens?

Back on the horse!

Whew! Sick of my own whining and ready to quit wringing my hands and get back to work!

I have a busy day today (hence the procrastination blogging) because tomorrow morning, we’re heading of the the Missouri Fiber Retreat, yippee! I am incredibly excited about all my classes! I’m taking:

Indigo Dyeing–We’re dyeing samples of various fibers, but we also get to dye another 4 ounces of whatever we bring. I don’t know what to dye! Maybe I’ll bring a few different options and wait to see how the samples come out.

Entralac Knitting–I’m hoping this will be a nice stash eater for blankets. I don’t really approve of it in clothing (too fussy/bulky), but I love it in blankets. As a knitter, you really have to guard against letting fun techniques impair your judgment. If you let yourself knit whatever is the most fun, if you wander into clothing, you can come out looking like the wacky spinster aunt all the time (this is not my actual aunt, but the imaginary wacky spinster aunt you always see on TV and in movies–eccentric clothing, lots of feathers, an “artistic” nature, lecherous comments about younger men, sort of a horny Madwoman of Chaillot type). It’s a constant struggle. Of course, there’s always mittens. Mittens are a safe haven for fussy techniques. Yay, mittens!

Soap Making–Although my vow against new hobbies this year means I won’t continue the soapmaking at home, I’m really eager to see how it’s done for future reference. It sounds like a science experiment, and it will be nice to learn it without investing in supplies and worrying about another mess to clean up.

Felt Boots!–This is the one that thrills me the most! I’m hoping this means valenki, but even if they’re just floppy slipper things, I’ll be pleased.

Marta & grasshopper Jen are coming too, though they’re taking totally different classes. Whirled Jen was supposed to be coming, but her husband’s down with the flu. She’s so much fun, so I’m disappointed/hopeful he’ll have a speedy recovery & she’ll be able to join us later. But either way, it will be a blast! We’re all in the same cabin, too!

Now I just have to figure out what WIP to bring.

WIP

I don’t have the yarn for the rest of my upcoming craftzine pattern, so that’s out (sadly, because it’s both fun and easy to knit).

Destash Cardi

My stash cardigan is kind of a pain in the ass for traveling, what with the 5 different balls at once in play, so that’s out.

Drops 110-2 in Silk Garden Lite & Fisherman's Wool

I also have a year-old WIP I could bring, my Drops cardigan. But first I need to track down my annotated version of the pattern, because I changed the gauge/math. Eek. I hope that’s not lost to the ages. I guess I could always start counting stitches.

Oh! What about my crochet potholders for the swap?! That’s what I was working on last year at the retreat, too.

Now that I’m feeling a bit less mopey, I’m evaluating my crafty Überlist goals from last month. (But before I do, can I just mention that my Überlist list year is CLEARLY too ambitious and runs completely contrary to the spirit of the Überlist; that is, to chose super-easy goals that make you feel like a genius instead of super-hard resolutions that make you feel like a loser. I’m already firmly in the second category.)

The funny thing is, yesterday, I thought I’d done a terrible job for February. But when I actually tallied it up, it’s quite impressive! The only think I failed on was the building scarf, my little woolly albatross.

8. *FIX: Mend or eliminate an item of clothing every week. Fixed a dress and some vintage PJs, sewed a button back on Ron’s coat, and hemmed 2 pairs of his jeans.

50. *MAKE: Photograph and document each foot of building scarf and make a giant scrolling panorama page for it. I got this photographed and spliced into a giant image file, but have yet to make a page.

56. *MAKE: Sock a month. (Mitten = sock.)  Spinsters Club mittens.

57. *MAKE: Sweater a month. I was counting this in the fail column, then I remembered my Critter Sweaters!

58. *MAKE: Spin a pound a month. Check.

63. *ORDER: Destash NET 100 balls and 10 pounds of fiber I’m down another 20-odd balls between destash and knitting.

60. *MAKE: Write, photo, make a pdf and publish a new free pattern every other month. (Free!) Two free hat patterns.

104. *TCB: Write, photograph, make a nice pdf and publish one pattern for sale each month. I did write and photograph a couple new patterns, but I didn’t seal the deal with a new pdf in my ravelry store, so no countsies there, either. Refined & PDFed Thrifty Critter pattern, along with a bunch of new clothes for him.

And on this I fell behind again:

47. *MAKE: Knit 2 feet a week on the building scarf I think I got about 5 or 6 feet done.

Man. I should have reviewed that yesterday, when I was feeling shitty! I got a lot done in February!

And here are my crafty Überlist plans for March:

1. Finish Craftzine sweater (#57)

2. Spin 8oz Funky Carolina BFL, Christmas 2007 present from my mom, and 8oz Hello Yarn BFL, Mitten School 2010 (#58).

March pound to spin

3. Spiral Bedsocks from Melinda‘s awesome Harveyville handspun. (#56)

Harveyville Yarn!

Buffy dreams, kitty hospitals and a fog of anxiety

WIP

My current WIP, soon to be a nostalgic sweater pattern on Craftzine.

We’ve been re-watching (well, me re-watching; Ron watching for the first time) old episodes of Buffy. Right now we’re on Season 3 and I’m getting to see a lot of old eps I haven’t watched since they aired, which is great fun because I only remember the broad strokes. Ooh, that Xander makes me so mad in Season 3! And Wesley! Rgh! I like that the men of Buffy are most often the petty ones. (Or maybe it’s actually just equal and only feels lopsided because on TV it’s so often the other way round?)

So naturally, I had a Buffy dream last night. I’m kind of surprised it’s taken this long for them to kick in because I usually get television dreams a couple days into a marathon. Last night I had a dream about kissing Spike that made my heart pound so dramatically that it woke me up. We weren’t making out or anything, just kissing so softly we barely touching, but in my dream it was exhilarating and I woke up with a mad adrenaline surge and my heart racing so much I was practically gasping, which was a little embarrassing (even though at the moment, I was the only one who knew).

Did I mention I’m 40?

When I went back to sleep, my thrilling Buffy dreams didn’t resume. Instead I was balancing my checking account online and I had all these charges from my new ATM card that I’d forgotten to record, and as a result, had bounced several checks and was having to call around and explain. That dream was much more realistic, and also made me wake up a little mortified.

Again: 40.

If you had asked me at 16 to describe the 40-year-old me’s dream life, I wouldn’t have expected this. Nor that the second dream just as apt to be, you know, my reality.

We’re barely into the new year (that is, we’re well into the new year, but it feels like it just started) and my grasp of time is as tenuous as ever. I’d been so glad for my open February, but it flew by before I knew what happened, and now we’re a third into March and it’s all a blur.

My February crafting was only marginally successful. I did manage to knock out my pound of handspun again, which was comprised of my Spinsters Club batt plus a bunch of Roving from Triple R Farm (Rhinebeck booty).

The other 13 ounces of February's handspun

The other 13 ounces of February's handspun

From this:

Rhinebeck Fiber: Triple R Farm wool & silk roving

and this

Rhinebeck Fiber: Triple R Farm wool roving

There was about twice as much of the first as the second, so alternated an ounce of red with half an ounce of mutli, then plied them from opposite ends of the progression, so the finished yarn should have roughly even stripes of red plied to itself and red plied to the stripey stuff. It’s a nice sturdy DK and will probably become a lightweight sweater.

I’m right now battling a breath-sucking tide of general anxiety. That’s the worst, the vague kind that’s difficult to diffuse because it’s so diffuse itself.

Freddy was really sick last week and had to go to the kitty hospital for the better part of the week. He seems to be doing well now, and now he’s on a very extravagant Rx food that makes Sugarfoot’s fancy prescription food look like a $4 generic from Target. But cats don’t eat much, so it’s not a terrific burden. (It’s funny how when your pet’s sick, money is no object, but as soon as they’re out of the woods, you start grousing about dollars. It’s like that Seinfeld joke about the check coming at the beginning of the meal.)

Anyway, for the next month, in addition to the special food, he’s supposed to get subcutaneous fluids twice a week to make sure his kidneys keep nice and clean.

The vet said to nuke the bag for a minute to get it to room temperature, but she’d already taken the plug out when she showed me the process, so when I nuked it, it flopped out of the bowl I’d propped it up in and two thirds of it spilled all over the microwave while I was facing the other way fiddling with the tubing. Yay! $20 all over my counter. Then trying to get it in was a comedy of errors, only comedy isn’t exactly the right word. More of Ron struggling with Freddy in a towel and me sticking the poor cat half a dozen times like a pincushion only to accidentally pull it right back out and squirt water all over the room. Again and again, and punctuated with me & Ron growling (him) and/or screeching (me) at each other. Finally, I had to give up and take a break, and I’m not psyched about replaying that little farce again later tonight.

Maybe because the strain of Pollyannaing had gotten to me, maybe because I’m disgusted with myself for my laziness and incompetence in general, maybe because I’m irritated I can’t afford to go to Berlin for a few days at the beginning of Ron’s next tour as I’d hoped, even with my mom’s cheapie tickets, because we closed our credit cards and can no longer pretend the imaginary money is real. Maybe I’m just cranky from the belly full of cheap grocery store Chinese food that’s turned me into a remorseless farting machine. But whatever the root cause, the fluids debacle dropped me in a pool of looming panic. It’s kind of suffocating me. I think I’ll go hula hoop a bit and see if my mood improves.

If I still feel shitty in a little while, I’m make two lists, one called Poor Me and one called Quit Being Such a Titty Baby. Poor Me will enumerate my woes and Titty Baby will count my blessings. Hopefully the second list will be much longer.